[11g root bark equivalent]
Last night I met with the good Dr again, who's becoming quite the familiar friend. :)
It was a quicker than usual process, despite at least some dose staircasing. The come up was super harsh, rattling my nervous system big time and reminding me how harsh I've been on my body lately with overuse of caffeine, dependence on nicotine patches and always just pushing forward with life..
I love how it is a continuing conversation with this plant ally, always moving layers deeper as it gets to know me more and more and at the same time helping me to understand myself more and more.
The defragging was much slower than usual. Usually its at hyper-speed, sifting through my thoughts. This time it was slowed right down giving me the ability to get deeper into the finer details of things..
Man, I could almost totally see and understand all of me! Almost, except for this 'dark patch' an area my consciousness just isn't conscious of yet. No matter how hard eboga and I looked into that darkness, my unconsciousness just could not see what it was unconscious of (obviously) :).
Biggest take home nugget from this experience (apart from spontaneous withdrawal free delivery from nicotine patches and caffeine tablets!! <STOKED!!>), was that my general coping mechanism for life is apathy, and that if I ever want to move further out of suffering and to be able to shine light further into the darkness of unconsciousness, then I need to choose empathy (obviously!). Thing is though, I have easily been duped in the past by apathy disguised as empathy. For eg: a difficult feeling comes up so I may self medicate thinking that I am giving myself the empathetic grace of not having to suffer through those uncomfortabilities. When actually what’s happening is that I’m being apathetic to the process that is occurring in my body/mind and essentially shutting down what could otherwise be a healing experience.
Apathy can SEEM like the easier option, at least in the short term.
This empathy vs apathy thing emanates into ALL aspects of my life and how I interact with myself, others and the world, so it may sound simple but its actually very big!
So now before I do anything, I should ask myself; "Am I REALLY being empathetic or apathetic here?”
So so much continued gratitude for this amazing plant ally! <3 <3 we speak the same language :)
~ Dr eboga