[11g root bark equivalent]
The journey began, with clear intentions to continue to heal, letting go of what doesn’t serve me, and aligning with what does, specifically my tendency towards caffeine, and resetting my gut bacteria.
I started feeling quite sleepy, drifting into the meditation to a semi conscious place, until the presence in my body shook me. I came to full consciousness in a shaky, nervous place. The come up was rough - DON’T FALL ASLEEP! My sitter held my hand and comforted me back into strength. Finding myself suddenly here was challenging, moaning and groaning, shaking and squirming. I had to keep moving to sit with the energy inside me. The shakes rooted in my hips, deep inside my legs, spirally out of me.
I’m here again, as if no time separated our last visit. My head was busy with noise, nonsensical noise. If I tried to grab at the words they really seemed odd. I kept breathing myself back to presence. Sometimes the words frustrated me, it was so noisy and strange.
Welcome to my brain - mindless rambling.
The iboga filtering through my system, a mental defrag and an electrical cleaning. I kept reacting to this headspace, perhaps wishing for something deeper and more colourful. Still no visions meow :(, but trusting the iboga’s direction none the less. Expectation leads to disappointment. Being present with the gift that is.
There was a lot of tension in my head, and when I would focus on the physical spot a ringing of a very certain frequency would grow and encompass my whole aura, until I would shake it all away. Rattling me all night long. Hours of dancing in this body. I asked the iboga some questions I had prepared, I sat with them. How to return to innocence, forgive the masculine, should I be in a relationship? It wasn’t the clearest communication, but I had notions of answers - reaffirming my choices - essentially exactly what I am doing - I am. I can. Yes. Trust, Forgive, Love. Simple, but not exactly manuals for human. Simple choices in the end.
Tension building my stomach. I couldn’t have the last dose I was already ‘there’. Finally it all came out, with such a specific stench. It was a little more comfortable after this. The music called me on with a tribal beckoning, echoing and panning through my head. Time was equally blurry. The whole night; a surreal dream. I drifted into a daze late in the morning.
This next day, was so yummy. Blessed with CBD oil for soothing the nerves, it was a cuddly, squishy, inspiring day and the infinite potential of each moment. My legs were wobbling like last time, as if energy was released and now it’s empty, and I felt weak from not knowing how to hold myself up without the tension. So I lazed about chanting gratitude, watching cosmic imagery to tune my perspective; blowing my mind. I’m raw with emotion. Crying at the radiance of the sun blessing earth with it’s love, and the forest I live in. I love earth. And so this goes for the next week - my antidepressant wooden friend, living with me, in me, holding me, supporting me. My powers of manifesting are immediately sharper, my mind quieter and more peaceful. Old believe systems no longing holding me back.
Thank you iboga - looking forward to the next time.
[IN REFLECTION - ADDED LATER]
Over the first week (week 1), at first I don’t feel triggered at all, I’m too happy. After about 2 weeks I began feeling a drop in my energy, a little ‘down’ again, feeling lost, and alone. I returned with kambo. Immediately I am reminded of the lessons of iboga, the truths I hold in myself, and the filter I was seeing through lifted. The panema dissipating. My manifesting is sublime, the universe reflecting my internal space. Over the next week (week 3+) iboga reminds me of little subtle choices that I can make each moment to stay in touch with my higher self, and not get carried away with trivial humanness.
It has so much to teach me.